One Letter
by loveofwriting
Summary: One assignment proves to be the hardest for Lilly. Her mom passed away, she got shot. Will she pull through the pain? Will Scotty be there for her? Please, read and review! :-


A/N: This one is just something I had in mind. This one shot doesn't grasp all of the complexity of Lilly/Ellen relationship but it gives one angle of it I think and of course, some Scotty and Lilly scenes are in this as well. Listening to that song of Natalie Merchant, I just pictured Lilly and it inspired me....

Disclaimer: do not own either Cold Case nor the lyrics of Natalie Merchant.

**One letter**

_It's a pity, It's a crying shame  
He pulled you down again  
How painful it must be  
To bruise so easily  
Inside_

Lilly was at home, sitting down at her desk, the cats at her feet, she was playing with a pen. Pieces of paper were scattered on the floor, all of them started with the same words: "Dear mom"…

She took a deep breath and tried to concentrate but she just couldn't…Her mind was full of vivid images of the shooting, she remembered slipping on the floor while Scotty was trying to stop the flow of life to leave her body…She was trying to focus on his face but it was harder by the second to just focus on anything. She didn't remember feeling alone at that time, that feeling came later when they asked her at the hospital if they should call somebody…She thought for a second and pictures of her life flashed back in front of her, people who mattered but to whom she was just somebody to rely on: Christina, her mom…a faded image of her dad, Ray, Joseph, Kite…they all came and went and she stayed, alone.

Since then, she had not been the same, she knew it, it was obvious. It simply seemed that a part of her spirit had left her when that bullet came into her body. Even a bullet was not able to shatter the wall she put around her, it just went directly to her soul. She was really trying to pull through but she didn't think she needed to see that counselor. She didn't want to talk, she didn't need to, she thought…She laughed, a joyless laugh: "I've seen way much more than death, I've lived through more." She wanted to scream this to the lady who was analyzing her but this would be exposing herself too much and she didn't want that.

The week before, the counselor told her she wanted her to write a letter to her mother, a letter which should express what she would like to tell her but didn't have the chance anymore. She refused at first, telling her that was stupid but the counselor pulled the all-mighty: "If you want me to sign the release paper stating you did what you had to do, you will write that letter." She smiled bitterly at the memory.

_A week ago:_

"_You must be kiddin' right, I am not writing that letter." Lilly said as she stood up to walk towards the door…_

"_You will. If you want me to sign the release paper stating you did what you had to do, you will write that letter" The tone was sharp and didn't accept any discussions._

"_I didn't know counselors could do that, aren't you supposed to just listen?"_

"_Well, when you don't talk, there is not much I can listen to, Lilly"_

"_I thought even silences spoke thousands of words". Lilly snapped back. "It's a waste of my time. I have other things to do. I'm working on a case right now, and I don't have time to write a letter to my dead mother. You remember, she's dead right?"_

"_Yes, I do. And again, if you want to continue working on that case, I need the letter on my desk next week at our last meeting."_

She had now only one week left. She had been tempted to write just anything but for some reason, everytime she started with "Dear mom", she couldn't bring herself to write anything else. She tried with "Ellen" but it just didn't feel right. She didn't understand why it was so difficult, nor did she understand why she couldn't lie, make up something, that was just beyond reason…

She was trying to immerse herself in work and it help her a little that everybody seemed to act as if she'd never been shot. In the moments when she was totally honest with herself she also had to admit that it hurt her at the same time.

The case they were on right now was indeed occupying all of her time, even her free time but it's not like she had anything to do except working, she kept on reminding herself...Vera had pointed out to her once and he was right.

She still couldn't sleep well at night, sometimes she dreamed of the shooting, sometimes of her mom dying all alone, she would relive over and over again the moment she found her lying dead. Other times, she was a little girl again, cleaning up after her drunk parent, waiting for that one touch that made it all ok, the one touch that still said: "I love you". But then, in the light of the day, she still knew that that one touch was not enough, the gesture was merely a "thank you for being there", it was not the "I love you" attitude that all children deserve.

Sometimes, she was so tired, she couldn't concentrate but she still put on the brave face, the cold face, the one which said to the entire world: "I'm fine and even if I wasn't, I would not let you in."

One night, after waking up and feeling tears rolling down her face, she angrily wiped them away, got up, took a quick hot shower, put some clothes on and decided to go back to the office for a few hours. She looked at the time, it was 1am. She didn't think she would see anybody at this dire hour but as she entered, she was surprised to see Scotty sitting at his desk.

"Scotty, what are you still doing here? Did you see the time?" He looked up startled at the sound at her voice and with a small smile replied:

"Right back at ya. I still had to read up some testimonies. But what about you? Did you have a revelation about the case? Why on earth are you going back to work at 1.30?"

Lilly didn't reply right away, she just sat down at her desk, taking the big folder on the right side and a pen.

"Oh, you know, same thing. I figured I had to reread what the husband had said 10 years ago after his wife disappeared. Some things just don't match up with what we found out from her colleague."

He nodded and for awhile, they just worked in silence. When the clock read 3am, Scotty slowly stood up: "I think it's time to call it a night. You coming?". Lilly shook her head: "I think I'm going to stay a bit longer." Scotty looked at her, but she didn't seem to notice. His eyes were full of worry for the woman he saw at lost in front of him. He took a chair and sat down next to her, putting his hand on her shoulder:

"You need to rest, Lil'."

Lilly shrugged.

"I'm fine, Valens. I just have to work on that case. The case just keeps me busy, that's all."

"Whatever, you know if you ever need to talk."

"I know you're here, all I have to say is "hey"." She had said it in an harder voice that she had intended, it just came out that way. She didn't see the hurt in his face when he turned away and walked towards the door. She didn't realize how guilty he felt to not have been there a few minutes earlier, that even though he saved her life, he wished he could have avoided the pain he was seeing in her everyday a bit more since the shooting, since she had lost her mom.

A few days later, as Scotty was about to call it a night, his cell phone started ringing. Surprised to see Lilly's number, he picked up:

"Hey Lil' everything alright?" He asked but had a hard time hearing the answer as the music in the background was quite loud and Lilly couldn't seem to speak properly.

"Heyyyy Scotty, I'm fine...I just wanted to say that I'm doing good. Yesterday again, you said I looked tired well I'm fine." She didn't make much sense and he still couldn't understand why she had called but he couldn't help to worry.

"Where are you?" Scotty asked.

"Somewhere in Philadelphia" She laughed. "At a bar called Boyds, I think" She hung up. Scotty took his coat and hurried towards that part of the town.

When he entered the bar, he saw her gulping down a shot of tequila. She didn't seem to be doing good at all.

"Goddamit' Lil'! What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm having a bit of fun. Remember what fun is like, Valens? You had fun with my sister…well. I, I am having fun with…" She paused for a moment, turned to the man sitting at the table: "What's your name again?"

"Joe" the man replied, smiling a little uncomfortably.

"Listen, Joe, how about you let me and the lady talk a bit" Joe wanted to protest but Scotty made it clear to him that no protest would be accepted.

"Man, I'm sorry I didn't know she was taken, I swear."

Lilly started at him.

"Taken, me? You've got it all wrong Johnny boy. I'm a alone, a-l-o…" She paused. "How do you spell alone Scotty?"

She asked with a little girl's voice that he had never heard before and which broke his heart. He looked at her, really looked at her, not as if it was just another day in the office, in their life as coworkers but the way a man discovers a woman, behind the pretenses and the smiles, behind the proper way of being, he saw her. There was nothing protecting her at that moment, and it was not so much the effect of alcohol he realized that, he finally saw the breach in her, the one that was there long before the shooting...Her hair was disheveled, her blue eyes were cloudy, and her smile was the saddest one he'd ever seen.

"She didn't have to die alone, Scotty...but she did and that's probably because of me, cos' the way I was with her. Just like my dad leaving, I also said it was her fault but if he really loved us, he would not have left or he would have taken us with him. He didn't. What is it about me, Scotty? I mean, what do I have that just pushes people away? "

He shook his head, not believing what he was hearing, heartbroken in front of her but somehow relieved that she was finally letting some things out. He remembered about at first, he couldn't believe her childhood had been all that bad but seeing her now, he discovered the suffering little girl she must have been and he realized he didn't know half of what she must have been going through.

He was afraid that if he made a gesture towards her, she would go back into that lonely place inside of her where she thought she was all alone but he just couldn't help himself. He got up to sit on the bench close to her, he put his arm around her and pulled her close, embracing her with care but as if it was something he had done his entire life. It didn't feel awkward, he just wanted her to feel safe, even if it was just for a few minutes. She didn't pull away, she buried her face into his shoulder and broke into tears, holding on to him....not saying a word, just finally letting the feelings she had held back for so long find a breach towards the outside. When he felt her body relaxed, she escaped his embrace.

"I'm drunk, Scotty." She declared in a very serious voice.

"No kiddin, Lil." He replied, laughing.

"I think I need to go home."

"I'll take you home, don't worry."

"Ts ts ts, detective Valens, I'm not one of your Charlenes" She smiled jokingly.

He looked at her and to himself, he murmured:

"No you're certainly not."

He paid the tab, drove her back home. When she couldn't manage to open the door, he gently took her keys from her hand and unlocked it. She didn't seem to be able to walk straight so he escorted her in. Her cats were both on the couch as if they had been waiting for her. She let herself fall next to them.

"Thank you Scotty, I think I'm going to call it a night." She whispered...as her eyes were slowly closing. Scotty looked around, trying to figure out what he should do. She didn't seem too comfortable on that couch, sitting more than laying with her coat and shoes on. Taking a deep breath, he took off her shoes, moved her to take off her coat, finding a blanket close by, he put it on top of her.

He sat down on a chair closed by and realized that he couldn't leave her like this. He didn't want her to wake up from one of her nightmares and be alone right now.

So, he stayed, sitting on the chair, dosing off from the times to times....

He woke up to the smell of fresh coffee...and realized his dosing off had made him sleep more than 4 hours on a very uncomfortable chair. Lilly was not on the couch anymore. As he walked towards the kitchen, he hesitated, not knowing what would be her reaction after he had seen her that way the night before.

He was still lost in his thoughts when she appeared in front of him with a fuming cup.

"Coffee?" She asked, smiling.

He gratefully took it.

"Thanks, any ways I can get breakfast out of you?" He asked playfully, relieved to see that her eyes seemed clearer than before.

"Nope if you want to live" She replied with a laugh..."I would only cook for my worse enemies Valens, so don't count on me to feed you.".

She paused.

"Listen, Scotty, about yesterday...I just wanted to say thank you, and not only about yesterday but...you know...you did save my life and I never really said how grateful I was." She approached him slowly and gave him a short kiss on the cheek. He took her hand and pulled her into a long hug.

"Try not to have to thank me for that again, Lil'." He had so much more he wanted to tell her but it was not the time, none of them were ready, so he just enjoyed holding her for a few more minutes before they became just colleagues again or pretended to be.

As they finished their coffee, Lilly told him she had decided to take a day off. Scotty looked relieved.

"It's about time" He joked.

"I want to go through some of my mom's stuff."

"Do you want me to stay". He asked and she shook her head.

"You need to do that alone" He finished for her and she smiled.

"Yes, I do but thank you Scotty again."

After he had left, she went to a box which had been waiting for her. She shivered when she discovered some empty bottles in it but underneath the mess, she found an old album full of family pictures, happy times in the midst of turmoil and in the bottom of the box, she found a book. She held that book close to her for a few minutes, smiling, remembering and she went on to her desk.

The next day, she brought the letter to her counselor.

"_Dear Mom,_

_I remember the velveteen rabbit._

_I love you._

_Lilly_"

It was not much, she knew it, she was still angry at the past and it didn't erase all the painful memories she would have to deal with but it was a start.

_But I tell you life is sweet  
In spite of the misery  
There's so much more, be grateful_

* * *

_A/N: Please review :-)_


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